Cast of the CDT

It’s uncertain how many people attempt the CDT each year. Somewhere roughly between 312 and 532. No one really keeps tabs, no one really cares. What’s also uncertain is: of the amount of people who begin the trail, how many finish.

It’s common to find experienced hikers on the CDT, hikers that have at least completed one other long distance trail. This, in theory increases the total yearly success rate.

This year, after 200% above average snow in Colorado, it’s no surprise that the number of drop-outs increased. It was certainly a rough year to be on the CDT, and on occasion, being absolutely anywhere else was a favourable idea.

The larger proportion of the people we met and hiked with were first time through-hikers. They chose this hellish, snowy, thunderous, remote, bear ridden, not-even complete ‘path’ as their first. This was unusual in itself, but the fact that these first timers we hiked with (including Snakes) all completed, made it even more so.

It’s not uncommon to meet very few people along the way. A trail as long as this, with as many possible alternate routes could leave you crying and lonely solo hiking for the majority of the journey.

Those you do meet become characters of your life, they feel like people you’ve known forever, there is an absence when they leave. Hefty weighty friendships are formed in a thrice.

We become like cartoons, always in the same outfit. We’re easily identified by the colour of our shorts, by the shape of our rucksacks, the sound of our laughter and the different, varying and very particular stench we give off.

After months of companionship, comes the inevitable departure.

These characters have been a large part of my journey, and you have come to know them too.

I’ve been told off a surprising amount of times, for not captioning my photos so readers can identify who is who.

Just for you fans, (I know you all have a favourite) here they are in more detail.

**I would like to caviat that the below, is entirely factual, not just my personal and preferred opinion. **

In order of appearance:

BAMBI

AKA: The British Expeditionary Unit

Nationality/Abode: British/Somerset

Special Moves:

• The ability to wee quicker than blinking
• Instantaneous renaming of everyone, to a name I like better
• High level ball busting (taking the piss)

Must have on trail: Combos and Coffee

SNAKE LEGS

AKA: Snakes

Nationality/Abode: Welsh/Somerset

Special Moves:

• Unbelievably convincing cactus impressions
• An unending catalogue of made up songs referencing absolutely anything you like, whenever you like
• A ‘hanger’ (hungry anger) which would terrify bears
• The ability to create new words, then merge them into everyone’s vocabulary

Must have on trail: Food, her own and mine. A disgusting handkerchief (named hank boy)

HANDFUL

Only known as: Handful

Nationality/Abode: USA/California

Special Moves:

• Mass giardia related weight-loss
• Seductive pony tail flinging
• A supercool homemade lightweight rucksack that you would all want if you saw
• Finding alternative modes of transportation after realising she’s spent to long journaling

Must have on trail: Always 2 chapsticks, sometimes even 3. A full-sized, ruled college notebook, you just never know when a novel might be in order

FLIP FLOP

AKA: Knock-Off

Nationality/Abode: USA/Colorado

Special Moves:

• Beyonce thighs
• Beyonce dance moves
• Beyonce shorts
• Beyonce attitude
• Accurate diagnosis of (my) herpes

Must have on trail: Skittles. Flip flops, naturally.

JUKE BOX

AKA: Shrop

Nationality/Abode: British/Nomad

Special Moves:

• Packing less food than is required to increase hiking speed
• Ridiculously pretty and soft feet
• Videoing himself singing cute little songs
• A sneaky little boy laugh

Must have on trail: His bosom buddy, General Burnside

BABY FOOD

AKA: Jiz

Nationality/Abode: Australia/Melbourne

Special Moves:

• A ridiculously symmetrical, permanently neatly packed rucksack
• Legs so long he can sleep in until 12pm and still make it to camp before me
• Hides in bushes and watches you from afar, only to reappear when you least expect it

Must have on trail: An impressive amount of fresh fruit and vegetables, a multitude of brain stimulating podcasts

TAZ BAZ

Only known as: Taz Baz

Nationality/Abode: British/Tazmania

Special Moves:

• Always arrives just as everyone is leaving
• Has a respectable and much appreciated concern for personal hygiene, unlike everyone else
• Looses things
• Tells the same story multiple times

Must have on trail: Tea.

SPOOKY NOODLE

AKA: Spoodle

Nationality/Abode: USA/Texas

Special moves:

• Hiked the CDT with a rucksack smaller than my face
• Magnetism to babes
• Kindness to children

Must have on trail: Absolutely as little as possible.

CLIFF JUMPER

AKA: The Elk

Nationality/Abode: USA/Nomad

Special Moves:

• Appears, smiling, when all hope of her still being alive was lost
• Will hike until 4am if necessary
• The ability to make packing up in the morning, last all morning
• Rotating like a rotisserie chicken on her noisy sleeping pad, all night
• Can fill her entire body with margarita

Must have on trail: Prescription sunglasses, even in the dark

MAPS

Only known as: MAPS

Nationality/Abode: USA/Colorado

Special Moves:

• Persuasive powers beyond that of any politician
• Famous along the entire CDT
• Logistical queen
• Constructs the most incredible lunches
• Sets her gas stove up at a 47 degree angle and is still able to cook successfully

Must have on trail: As a minimum, 12 ingredients for her lunch wraps. Sun cream, applied every 60 to 90 minutes.

BEAR

Only known as: Bear

Nationality/Abode: USA/Michigan

Special Moves:

• Ridiculously alluring calves
• Completed the CDT as his first and only ever backpacking trip
• Makes beer dissapear
• Finds the grimmest bar and makes friends with absolutely everyone in it then has his bar tab paid for all night
• Makes it to town before anyone else then messages the group asking if anyone else is in town, knowing full well they aren’t
• Looks like a viking, eats like a prince

Must have on trail: A nap

POOCH

Only known as: Pooch

Nationality/Abode: USA/Korea

Special Moves:

• Hiking multiple 30 miles days with as much food as I would require for a single day
• Walking roads for longer than anyone else would care to be alive

Must have on trail: Music, absolutely all the time.

DUTCH

Only known as: Dutch

Nationality/Abode: USA/Mississpi

Special Moves:

• Farting, continuously
• Charming little old ladies in cafes by calling them “Ma’am’ (probably while farting)
• Completing the triple crown (AT, PCT, CDT) by the age of 21

Must have on trail: Almond m&m’s, Vagisil

OAKLEY

AKA: Smokey

Nationality/Abode Australia/Melbourne

Special Moves:

• Hunting out Bath tubs in posh hotels and occupying then for some time
• Awkwardly holding your hand in a seemingly romantic way for long enough that you feel uncomfortable
• Barmaid
• Casually hiking 40 miles in a day

Must have on trail: Wee rag, weed, Wonder Woman

WONDER WOMAN

Only known as: Wonder Woman

Nationality/Abode: USA/New york

Special Moves:

• Professional Kate Bush impersonator
• Juke Box addict
• Bar Manager
• Really good at clothes

Must have on trail: Speaker, Sleeping Socks, Smokey, Scraper

FAMILY SIZE

AKA: Family Guy/Dr Germany

Nationality/Abode: Germany/Nomad

Special Moves:

• Impeccable and continuous neatness and organisation.
• Predominant silence only broken by incredible one-liners.
• The ability to consume an inordinate amount of ice cream in any place it’s available
• The ability to eat any food item and not get it in his beard.

Must have on trail: A full belly of ice cream.

JANDLES

AKA: Jangles, (because I cant come to terms with Jandles and Jangles is more festive)

Nationality/Aode: USA/New York

Special Moves:

• The ability to hike over 100 miles with shoes that would no longer be described as shoes.
• Collecting lost, disgusting hiker trash and returning said items to their rightful owner.

Must have on trail : Jesus.

Hiking is only part of the CDT, these guys are the rest of it.